Arctic Turn

so just like that, it’s all over. the title of this blog is now nonsense, reversed, at least for a few weeks. for months i have put off writing simply because i wanted to write about my most meaningful teaching experience as of yet, (one of the most meaningful experiences of my whole life, to tell you the truth) and didn’t want to mess it up. now it’s been months, and although the experience is slightly faded in my brain, the feelings are still quite raw. as i prepare to say goodbye to california and all my students there, i really want to try to write some of it down. i know i won’t do my students or the whole event justice, and it kills me, really. i want to make it so that you know my students as i do, so you can learn from them as much as i have. but i’ve decided that maybe, if you can just learn a little, that’s better than having a blog empty for months on end. so here goes:

it’s the last day of school before spring break, four days before easter. although i thought there was a strict separation between church and state, at this school we Celebrate holidays, halloween parades, christmas assemblies including hymns, etc. so for easter, the tradition is for the kindergarteners to have an easter egg hunt. not wanting my students to be left out, i’ve bought in each year, although i decided that the limit of one egg wasn’t so exciting, so i assured my students could each find 3 eggs by hiding over 100. this is pretty exciting for me, too- i pride myself on finding diverse, individually wrapped candies that can fit inside the eggs, and then stuffing them as full as possible. z and i were up late the night before, happily matching the colors of the bubble yum eggs to the colors of the plastic eggs.

i was even more excited about an art project i had arranged for- i had finally located those plastic green strawberry baskets, so we were going to make our own easter baskets. this was my favorite part of holidays at this school- it gave me free reign not to “teach” anything and instead to plan extensive art projects that my students loved almost as much as i did. thanks to the tons of cute ribbons and yards and yards of pastel yarn, the baskets turned out oh so spring-like in a city where seasons do not exist. anyway, i got my students started on merrily weaving yarn around the baskets, and then set off to borrow some fifth graders to help hide the eggs.

well those baskets, as adorable as they were, took forever to make. we spent two straight hours weaving and tying; but let me tell you- they LOVED it. i really have never seen them so content. five-year-olds engaged in anything for more than twenty minutes is pretty amazing, as far as i’m concerned. initially my lowest student was frustrated to the point of tears; she has clearly never had the opportunity to do any fine-motor activities. so there she is, standing next to me with a look of utter disappointment, as i’m trying to help her fix it, and also waiting for some help is the student who regularly cried every day on her way into class… they are both just so young, and neither spoke english or had ever been away from home. so the crier sees the other student so frustrated and sad and speaks softly to her in spanish- “oh, look, L___, what a beautiful basket you made!” L___ shakes her head. “oh, just wait until you take it home and show your mom-think how proud she’ll be! wait until you show your sister!” and somehow, the disappointed student believes the crier, and all is well.

so we finally finish our baskets, and i’m weaving up a big story about the easter bunny while i tie the last few handles. when i release the students in the front patch of grass, i ask them please to only take 3 eggs, and then to help someone else. almost immediately, it becomes clear that eggs are missing. i can’t see any, students are running madly trying to find some, with empty baskets all around. pretty soon the same disappointed student from baskets, L___, is crying again.

just as i start to panic with disappointment, i notice that my brand new student, recently arrived from mexico, is carrying a pinecone in his basket. another student only a month or so out of tj herself runs over to him, grabs the pinecone, hucks it into the grass, seamlessly takes one of her three eggs (she’s a quick one) and puts it in his basket, all the while animated, explaining the game to him. after seeing this exchange, i pull her aside quickly, praise her thoughtfullness and generosity, and explain that i think there’s been a mistake, and could she maybe find another student who has no eggs and share her second egg as well?

we are soon headed back to our class, my mind is racing as to what i am going to do- i promised them three eggs, we had laughed earlier if our baskets would be big enough, and now it was painfully clear that there were not even twenty eggs left, not even enough for my 31 students to each have one. the responsibility that i feel toward these students cannot be overstated- it’s in these holiday celebrations and such that i try to give them a childhood like the one that i had- and this is worse yet, because now i have shown them the great potential of easter egg hunts, and then instead given them a painful reminder of where they live and what disappointments they will face as a result. i was so angry at myself i wanted to run and hide in the bathroom. and then i noticed that the quick new student who had formerly had three eggs all her own has given them all away, and holds an empty basket. and she’s smiling right at me.

and it just continued. in the classroom the disappointed L___ continued to cry. besides being the lowest student in the class, L___ was also much disliked because she tended to boss, call people names like fat or ugly, and just generally did not know how to make friends. then i watched as my most rowdy, difficult to manage boy got up and quietly gave his only egg to her.

i got everyone settled into their seats and quickly explained what i think may have happened and reminded students that we still had our beautiful baskets to be proud of and that i had extra candy to share. then i told them about the wonderful examples of friendship that i had witnessed, the story of the two new students outside, and how E___ had given his egg to L___. without hesitation, several more students got out of the chairs and gave their eggs to another student. i was teary as i went on and on about how proud i was to see that my students were so loving to each other and how they had made my easter better than any candy ever would have. and it became like a huge game of hot potato- plastic eggs were being passed quickly around tables as the giggles were rising. the sharing became more valuable than the candy.

after i had dismissed all my students i came back to my classroom, laid on the floor, and sobbed. not for the disappointment of the lost eggs of course, but rather for the grace that is constantly displayed by these young children. knowing that my students, regardless of their compassion, patience and understanding, will be let down time and time again in the next 12 years throws me to the ground like this several times a year.

and now i have left them behind, too. i’m really not sure what to do next- but i feel like whatever it is, it’d better be damn important. otherwise i may never forgive myself.

yeah, so, i’m kinda busy these days… still trying to work on that leadership unit, turned in a couple of huge projects (one was 40 pages) to LMU last week, then went to arizona, and i’m sure you read about that on infiniteregress.org… oh yeah, and there’s this whole triathlon thing next weekend…

my parents are visiting right now which is great only i wish that i didn’t have LMU hanging over my head- i can’t wait to graduate!! only about one month. which is insane.

anyway, my parents and grandparents bought me a wetsuit for this triathlon and i got to try it out today. it was great. then i rode my bike home. i’m pretty exhausted.

tomorrow my university supervisor is coming to visit me and then on tuesday we are taking my kinders to sea world. maybe i’ll update after the triathlon next weekend. hope everyone is well.

so i was on vacation this weekend- 4 days!!- and i guess that’s how i slept through my alarm 6 times and then i woke up, ran out the door without putting on my new earrings that mom gave me for valentines, even though i put them by my bed so i wouldn’t forget.

closing in on work, i saw the helicopters dashing, pausing, dashing, pausing… i usually see at least one every day, but three in one spot makes my eyebrows raise. somebody cuts me off, i miss my usual exit, and take the one that we all took last year, when we didn’t know any better. i begin to wonder about that homeless guy who always stood here, claiming to have cancer, with his shirt pulled up, pants rolled up to reveal hideous contortions and scars- holding signs-need medicine, operations, etc. i never gave him anything… i saw him every morning. i always wondered what his true life story was. i always thought about researching into healthcare options for the homeless; dreamed i’d find him a solution and be that miracle worker that all corps members imagine they will become. i always wondered, assuming he really had cancer, if begging for money was truly the only option for him. if there really was no saftey net. then i would contemplate how hideous it is that i had to wonder about these things- because no one really believes in health care safety nets anymore.

every morning i would drive around the corner, and hope that he would be gone–because it would be easier for me to ignore it if i didn’t have to see him; because if he was gone maybe that was hopeful. occasionally he would be absent, and my heart would skip a beat- did he finally die?

pull up to the rebar gates, shove open the door, and the sounds of the helicopters throw me back to present times. i had forgotten. i turn to see that the 4 ghetto-birds are hovering just east of our campus. all the students who are on campus early to get breakfast can’t help but stare at them. i wonder what runs through their heads. this is not a rare event- what have their parents told them about these helicopters? are they prepared? i wonder what i will do if some criminal with weapons comes running onto the campus.

inside my classroom, i can still hear the whirl, whirl, whirl… i make myself a list of things to do, turn on the radio. the anouncers are talking about something, but against their benign npr voices all i notice is the whip, whip, whip… every few minutes i glace out the window to see them still there. but i’ve got things to do.

quickly my morning is absorbed by lesson plans, standards, and the like. a couple chocolate kisses for energy. the afternoon is too short as always–we spend too much time filing papers and don’t get to the addition or writing activities i had planned- as usual i spend my recess time trying to reevaluate what i really want to try to accomplish in the time left. a few more kisses to pick me up. it’s basically my backstage intermission from my daily show- i’m only thinking about three things- how much i need to use the bathroom, where’s the chocolate, and how i’m going to get through the last act.

it’s not until i throhat man’s belly would cause me to become an activist for health care reform?w myself back into the car that i realize the helicopters are gone. and i think to myself- ah-ha! this is how people live here- they just don’t pay attention, and eventually everything goes away.

a part of me wishes these things would not go away. not, at least, until the whipping became too much, and someone decided to stage a sit-in, a civil war, or SOMETHING… how many helicopters would have to fly over your child’s school for you to demand a change? how many consecutive days of tso i was on vacation this weekend- 4 days!!- and i guess that’s how i slept through my alarm 6 times and then i woke up, ran out the door without putting on my new earrings that mom gave me for valentines, even though i put them by my bed so i wouldn’t forget.

closing in on work, i saw the helicopters dashing, pausing, dashing, pausing… i usually see at least one every day, but three in one spot makes my eyebrows raise. somebody cuts me off, i miss my usual exit, and take the one that we all took last year, when we didn’t know any better. i begin to wonder about that homeless guy who always stood here, claiming to have cancer, with his shirt pulled up, pants rolled up to reveal hideous contortions and scars- holding signs-need medicine, operations, etc. i never gave him anything… i saw him every morning. i always wondered what his true life story was. i always thought about researching into healthcare options for the homeless; dreamed i’d find him a solution and be that miracle worker that all corps members imagine they will become. i always wondered, assuming he really had cancer, if begging for money was truly the only option for him. if there really was no saftey net. then i would contemplate how hideous it is that i had to wonder about these things- because no one really believes in health care safety nets anymore.

every morning i would drive around the corner, and hope that he would be gone–because it would be easier for me to ignore it if i didn’t have to see him; because if he was gone maybe that was hopeful. occasionally he would be absent, and my heart would skip a beat- did he finally die?

pull up to the rebar gates, shove open the door, and the sounds of the helicopters throw me back to present times. i had forgotten. i turn to see that the 4 ghetto-birds are hovering just east of our campus. all the students who are on campus early to get breakfast can’t help but stare at them. i wonder what runs through their heads. i wonder what i will do if some criminal with weapons comes running onto the campus.

inside my classroom, i can still hear the whirl, whirl, whirl… i make myself a list of things to do, turn on the radio. the anouncers are talking about something, but against their benign npr voices all i notice is the whip, whip, whip… every few minutes i glace out the window to see them still there. but i’ve got things to do.

quickly my morning is absorbed by lesson plans, standards, and the like. a couple chocolate kisses for energy. the afternoon is too short as always–we spend too much time filing papers and don’t get to the addition or writing activities i had planned- as usual i spend my recess time trying to reevaluate what i really want to try to accomplish in the time left. a few more kisses to pick me up. it’s basically my backstage intermission from my daily show- i’m only thinking about three things- how much i need to use the bathroom, where’s the chocolate, and how i’m going to get through the last act.

it’s not until i throw myself back into the car that i realize the helicopters are gone. and i think to myself- ah-ha! this is how people live here- they just don’t pay attention, and eventually everything goes away.

a part of me wishes these things would not go away. not, at least, until the whipping became too much for everyone to handle, and someone decided to stage a sit-in, a civil war, or SOMETHING… how many helicopters would have to fly over your child’s school for you to demand a change? how many consecutive days of that man’s belly would cause me to become an activist for health care reform?

i’m so thrilled that our mlk assembly has continued to move people!! thanks so much for all the positive reactions- teaching can feel like such a thankless job at times, and to have your support means everything.

so after seeing my students’ reactions to the power of effective leadership, i decided to create a leadership unit for the month of february. the idea is to conitnue the discussion of effective leadership that we had begun, and extend the students’ experiences with leadership examples and opportunities. i will be trying to incoroporate black history month activities into the unit as well as a service learning activity related to recycling.

i’m sure by now you’re all wondering why i feel the need to tell you all this- because i’m looking for your help! any ideas, books, movies, topics, characters, historical figures (oh yeah, feb. is for washington and lincoln, too) that you think about when you think of leadership, PLEASE- pass them my way!! so far i’m planning lessons on everything from Booker T. Washington to Babe (the movie/the pig) so really, anything goes!

thanks for your help!!

a couple weeks ago my mom visited my classroom. while she was visiting i was planning to teach about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr- i was also stressed out about the MLK Assembly… i had, of course, been dreading it for a couple of weeks, because my class had to perform, and i wasn’t sure what to have them do. so anyway, tim, mom and i headed to the library to get some books about MLK, and also tried to dig up some kind of performance ideas.

at the library we found this great book called Martin’s Big Words, by Doreen Rappaport. in the book the author combines the story with actual quotes from MLK. my students were mesmerized. it was completely quiet, and then i read “on his second day there, he was shot. he died.” and there rose a collective gasp of shock.

since we had used the book to discuss how Martin Luther King wanted everyone to be friends and not to fight, my mom suggested that we sing “the more we get together” for the program. this would be easy, as my students know, (and love!) the song. not wanting to stress myself out about anything else, i went with it.

the next week, some amazing things happened.

first, a few days after reading the book, i asked my students what they remembered about Martin Luther King. one student said something in spanish. i asked another student to translate for me- “she said ‘he lives in my head.” another student said “Martin Luther King Jr. died, but his words are still alive.”

so then it was the night before the big performance. i laid awake in bed, not being able to sleep because i had stayed out late, and i was nervous. we hadn’t practiced much. i was trying to think of something to make our performance a little longer, and i decided to invite the whole school to do a sing along. i fell asleep to visions of the school singing in rounds…

the next morning, i told the class my plan for the sing-a-long. a big “oooh!” arose from the little darlings… so i guessed they were in. we got up to do the performance, and they were squirming, they were so excited. they sang it twice through, acapella, beautifully, and loud. and then we invited the rest of the school to sing with us. everyone was into it, and so we all sang once through, everyone smiling, my students gleaming.

my students bowed, and i gave the microphone back to the vice-principal. she said “i think we all need to sing that song again, and really think about those words we’re singing!” she started to sing, and one of the teachers shouted “wait!! we’re not ready!!” everyone looked to see what she meant, and she was getting her class to all put their arms around each other, the same way my students do when we sing it… and so the vice principal said, “ok, let’s all get ready!” a few seconds later, i looked around, absolutely amazed: the WHOLE school, all the students, teachers, parents, everyone who was at the assembly, had their arms around each other, and they were swaying and belting out the words, as happy as could be.

the more we get together, together, together
the more we get togeher the happier we’ll be
’cause your friends are my friends,
and my friends are your friends
the more we get together the happier we’ll be

the noise was almost deafening. the light in my students’ faces almost blinding. it took about 5 seconds for the tears to rise.

back in the classroom, the energy was commanding. we couldn’t think or talk about anything else. everyone was chatting and laughing. i told my students “you know what happened out there?” and they asked “what??” and i told them “you were leaders.” and the room fell silent. “you were the leaders of the whole school. how did you do that? how did the kindergarteners become the leaders of the whole school??” they were quiet, pensive, amazed, like me. and then one said “we taught them the words. we showed them how.” “exactly!” i responded. “you showed them how. that is how we are leaders- by teaching them the words, by showing others how to be. ”

we talked a lot about being leaders. we talked about how Martin Luther King had a dream, and how he was a leader who used words and showed everyone how to be. we talked about their dreams, and how they had to be leaders to make their dreams come true. one of the students said “my dream is that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. could be alive again and help us to be leaders. i dream that he could be our friend.” and i said “you know what, though? he was there. when you got the whole school singing and smiling, Martin Luther King was alive again.” “you mean he was watching us?!?” and i said “of course. and he was so proud of you.” (my students could see my tears, i’m sure.)

“this is what we’re going to do” i told my kids. “i need you to remember this day for the rest of your life. so we’re going to put it in our heads, and never forget it.” and they all closed their eyes, some of them with their hands pressed to their forheads. “teacher, i have a place where i put things, and i lock the door so they can’t get out.” “that’s perfect. let’s all lock the door.” all the students turned imaginary keys. “you have to remember this day your whole life, because today you were leaders. you were wonderful leaders. you have to remember this, because you are going to be leaders for the rest of your lives. and you need to remember how to be good leaders.”

“if you can lead a whole school when you are only 5 years old, how many people can you lead when you are 10? (someone shouts “i think 30!!”) how many people can you lead when you are a grown up? (”when i grow up i will lead the whole world. i will teach them not to fight.”) who will remember this day? (they all throw their hands into the air.) who will be a leader?” (they all shout “Me!! i am a leader!”)

i will remember that day. i will remember it as one of the most meaningful days of my entire life. and if continuing to teach can offer me an experience like that once every couple of years, i will be a teacher of leaders forever.

tonight i decided i like southern california. actually, i decided i loved it, for about a half an hour… do you know that in southern california you can go swimming OUTSIDE in the WINTER??? it’s crazy!! last week i went with k to swim in santa monica and it was already dark! and tonight i joined the LMU gym (along with my spouse!!) so i went swimming in the LMU pool at dusk and it was fantastic. i loved it. every breath i took was fresh (kinda!) air; my arms could feel the cold when i lifted them out of the water. i was thinking about maybe retiring in san diego. i’ll be one of those old lady swimmers, of course, and i will be so happy everyday when i swim in the warm water and brisk air.

at the pool i had one of those moments again- one of those “this is me….” moments. i do this often, and i love it. i think i’ve even talked about it on this blog before, but i’m too lazy to go back and look. it’s this feeling when i feel like i’m almost watching myself live my life. when i get this feeling, i am more coherent, and happier than any other time in my life. and i say to myself things like “here’s me at 24, living in southern california, and swimming my laps in an outdoor pool in january”

(i’m watching C-SPAN- i know it’s dorky, but i love it- and this guy Leo Gerard is leading a rally for Gephardt, and he just said something to the effect of: “my tv comes from Japan, my car parts come from China, my computer comes from India, but seniors can not get their drugs from Canada?” interesting. he should’ve thrown in “my coffee comes from Columbia…”)

anyway. school as started again- i have a bulletin board that i need to decorate, a MLK assembly to arrange, and a song to teach my kids by friday so they can perform in said assembly. (because i am on the committee, so my students are REQUIRED to perform. what??? i have to work on the committee and prepare my kids for a performance at the same time?? sometimes, i tell you….) 2nd quarter assessments are next week, and as usual the other k teachers picked a bunch of stupid pages, like “action words” and “fantasy vs. reality”; next week is report cards, too… and back to school at LMU.

the just of this is- don’t expect too many posts.

but i am trying to get my life more under control- less work, more exercising and relaxing.

so we’ll see. happy january. go swim outside! it will make you hyper!!

a number of items that excuse me from posting this month:

-2 finals completed, including 5 take home essays
-1 final project completed; handed in 4 days early for extra credit!!
-17-page research paper completed; then edited to 12 pages at the last minute- submitted at 1am
-2 craft store trips, $65
-assissted in the assembly of 100 candy cane ornaments using pipe cleaners and beads
-assisted in the assembly of some 200 other ornaments. (yes, i am losing my mind, thank you)
-burned the holy bejesus off of the tip of my left index. too bad no one was there for the show that must have been, what with my dancing and profound language.
-survived one observation from the dreaded principal, after 5 cancelled meetings. (0 were cancelled by yours truly)
-proudly watched my kindergarteners become the darlings of the school as they belted out “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, please my two front teeth!!” in two consecutive christmas programs. only one student wet his pants on stage. (the number of times we practiced is uncalculable)
-one batch of fudge, one batch of spritz, combined into ten adore gift bags. i AM martha stewart, thank you.
-enjoyed queer eye holiday special three times in one week!

the list could go on, but i’ll spare you.

now i am visiting the family for the holidays, and will hopefully rest up enough that posting will become semi-regular this next year. but i make no promises.

hey, you should all do this to make the holiday season better:
check out the following sites and donate an animal or other resource to a family that needs it: (idea courtesy my sister) this is an honest way to help save starving families, instead of just finishing your christmas dinner and feeling ill.
http://catalog.heifer.org/index.cfm
http://www.seva.org/index.php

also, did you see Oprah’s Christmas Kindness show? you need to see it. at least, i needed to see it. learn more about all that here:
http://www.oprah.com/presents/2003/christmaskindness/pres_2003_ck_main_nointro.jhtml
anyway, visit her site for info on donating to the angel network, whose latest cause is the aids epedemic in Africa, or browse many other organizations that may inspire you.
http://www.oprah.com/presents/2003/christmaskindness/resources/pres_2003_ck_resources.jhtml
http://www.oprah.com/uyl/volunteer/uyl_volunteer_main.jhtml

let’s make this year about doing more, reaching farther, eh?

have a gorgeous holiday. all the best to you and yours.

just got back from nor cal for thanksgiving… ran into a bit of car trouble- poor can.

we were flying in and i looked out on the infinite, flat sqaures of light that are los angeles, and i told tim “i can’t believe we live here.”

but then as we were taxi-ing in, and the loudspeaker scratched “welcome to los angeles” i kinda started to feel content in a way. i really don’t like living here very much, and i don’t plan to stay very long, but there was a comfortable feeling of home somehow… i felt a little bit possessive about it- this is where i live, my own (temporary!!) place in the world, seperate from where i grew up. i think it’s a feeling related to control- i live here because i choose to, i have a job here, an apartment here, two cats… it’s all very adultish, in a way that’s okay with me. it’s a feeling that i’ve had before: a feeling that i’m living my life, i’m running the show; not simply letting my life command my existence.

i have to get to sleep. i’m not sure this makes sense to anyone else, but i had to write it down for myself- it’s those passing moments of contentness that so often get forgotten, and leave you unhappy.

i hope you all had a fantastic thanksgiving.

check out the sunset from our deck earlier-

fall has finally arrived down here in southern california… thank goodness. it was cold today, and raining… yay. it first rained on friday- rained really, really, hard. we opened the door and listened… it was lovely. i think this helped to calm down the firestorm- thank god.

speaking of halloween, check out my pumpkin- the one on the right. anyone recognize that villain?

also in fall news, it was my birthday a while back- eddy was jealous.

and for our birthdays we had a party- here’s some pictures, finally!!